In the video above I speak about how we can find ways to handle a basic human emotion: FEAR.

Just like joy and sadness, fear is a part of being alive. As we look at our states of health, they can present as anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias, meltdowns and many other psychological and emotional discomforts. Yet, what if these are not states of mental illness but just the result of us not knowing how to handle our fears?

It’s completely normal to experience fear. Yet, our instincts for handling it are basic and animalistic – fight back, run away, or freeze in place. Our skills for simply staying present, choosing peace, and coming through it without fighting or freaking out are not taught in our broader culture.

In the past, doing things like challenging ourselves to face a small fear daily to get ourselves over the threshold, and taking small steps, was encouraged. It was helpful. Yet, in the present, feeling pelted with so many fears at once, so much chaos, and so many perceived threats, has not left much space for the old advice. Currently, new times call for a new way.

How can we cross so many thresholds at once, when it was so difficult to get through one at a time?

I’ll share a little about my story and why fear completely transformed me this year.

Personally, the more I tried to run from my own fears, the deeper I felt the need for someone or something to save me. Each time I thought I found the situation or the person who was going to support me or save me, the situation or person would turn out to be anything but a savior. Many of those situations ended up being more harmful than helpful. Things actually got worse.

I got frustrated. Why was this continuing to happen to me? Why wasn’t I finding the right people and situations in my life that would allow me to feel secure, fulfilled and supported in the long term?

The more I looked “out there” in the world for my source of support, the more the world out there fell apart. The more I reacted, it felt like I was punching at air. Then came the consequences. My intense reactions to fear spawned intense situations, like a domino effect. Next came the instinct to run, and I found no place to run to. Then the freeze phase, where complete overwhelm took hold and I was forced to sit with everything, unproductive, as the world continued to turn.

What I began to realize was nothing was happening to me. Life was unfolding and it’s been a very tough year. Almost every situation was beyond my control. Yet, the challenging situations continued one after the other. So that forced me to look at myself. I realized that the things I’ve gone through are things people do go through – car accidents, pet injuries, death of a loved one, divorces and breakups, feeling betrayed by someone who you thought was a friend, financial hardships, etc.

With that realization, I started a journey inward to look at my human self as if I was watching myself in a play. From the audience, I looked at my character. I looked at my life, my situations, and I especially noticed how I was not the only actor on the stage. I had to admit that I really did not know what was happening behind the scenes. Everyone on the stage is performing for the audience as well. I realized I had full control over my character, and no control over anyone else.

Looking at myself like that resulted in me going inward to find my awareness and resting there. In that, I was able to see that I am not my reactions, I am not my thoughts. I’m the awareness of this life. At the same time, I am living as a human being, just one of billions. We are all connected, we are all powerful, and we all influence the whole human collective. In this, I had to start admitting that others were not their reactions, behaviors, words they spoke or the plots they developed.

This led to me understanding that, simply put – this is life. People have faults and flaws and are perfectly imperfect. The challenges are simply opportunities to grow. The discomfort is not anyone else’s fault. And I especially learned that the people who intentionally harm others do so because they are hurt from how they have been harmed. I then realized that anger, resentment and grudges were not the solution, but the problem for me.

As I felt betrayed and attacked by others, I had to understand that I was going to go through the experience to its entirety no matter how bad it became, and the only way to change my outcomes was to change how I deal with my fears surrounding feeling abandoned. I had to stop being angry at anyone who I felt abandoned me, harmed me, abused me or bullied me. I practiced sitting with it and intentionally healing. At the same time, I also had to start a new chapter by being the new me.

I went to my spiritual counselor. I went inward. I developed my own practice. I made time for myself to pull away and to sit with gratitude and I was able to find a space within that felt peaceful. In the spaces in between, I had good moments and bad moments. I still dealt with anxiety and meltdowns. And at the same time I noticed, I was calm, and the meltdowns were fewer and less intense. I truly started to heal. And now, I am able to write about it.

How I realized the “new” way of dealing with my fears is actually old, ancient wisdom.

What I do know is that when a person is in a state of overwhelm and experiencing fears, it does not work to say something like, “Calm down. It’s going to be ok.”

It’s hard to know what to say to a person who is in a state of overwhelm. Each person has a way that they can heal, but only they really know what works for them. We can hold a space of love, support and acceptance without leaping in to offer advice. When I entered a state of overwhelm, I had to put myself in that space of love, support and acceptance.

I recognized that my life had a pattern of strangely intense experiences popping up that don’t normally happen to others. I had to recognize that I enter situations that others would have said no to. In this way, I’ve lived a life without much fear of consequences. Once I started to feel like everything was piling up on me, I realized I was actually living those consequences.

I was not being punished by Karma, or any other Universal force. I simply get into intense situations and the results are intense. To break that pattern I had to own the pattern. I had to stop having intense reactions to circumstances. I had to sit very still when my mind was spinning. I had to go inward and find my safe space, my sense of calm awareness, and I had to intentionally stay there no matter how many personal bombs seemed to be dropping around me.

This sense of going inward, and staying calm, not reacting, and practicing detached awareness is new for me. Yet, it’s actually what my mentors and those before them practiced and taught – meditation, manifesting, understanding Source, and understanding the human collective. All of the wise ones had the same emotions you and I have, but they learned how to master them.

Finding a sense of my authentic self helped me move on from old patterns.

The strongest motivator for me to change was the idea that although I do not like drama, it seemed to follow me no matter where I went. I know I don’t want this.

I had to dig deep to ask myself what I do want for myself. One of my old patterns was trying to fix others, help others, and I saw the best in people instead of distancing from those who were bringing an element of drama to the scene. I wanted to be needed. At the same time I wanted someone to save me. I’m no longer that person.

It helped me to understand that I am strong, I don’t need saved, and I can overcome fears. My true and authentic self in this life is someone who has always been independent and who has wanted to help other people. My path of growth is one of constant healing and strength to keep going. Simply put, I was not going to give up on life just because of intense challenges.

I realized I had two choices when I was at my lowest point of fearing loss of everything. I could melt down and end up in the hospital with a panic attack or a heart attack or I could live life calmly, allowing each moment to be uncomfortable without blame, and move through the anxiety as it arises.

I had to keep going. And I knew I had to change to grow and break the pattern.

I know I have to be the provider of my own care and support. I have to be willing to receive support from the right people, but not to demand or expect too much from people. I had to sit with heartache and know it will pass. Anger arises, and I let it pass through. I recognize it. I’m able to let it go and go within to a quiet space of comfort.

Compassion for others is the biggest key to successfully overcoming fear.

Most of our fears are derived from the fear of or about another person. Fear of public speaking, fear of rejection, fear of being robbed, or having basic freedoms taken from you. We fear having our heart broken, we fear someone we love dying, we fear losing our job and our income, we fear starvation.

It’s exceedingly hard to have compassion for someone whom you are afraid of, like a bully who intends to cause harm to others, for example. Yet, compassion for the bully is the strength that provides the power to exist without fear of the person or circumstance. Simply put, the bully is insecure and also fears rejection, and they’ve likely been very rejected and hurt badly in their lifetime.

It is possible to have a sense of detachment from the childish tantrums of the bully. It’s very possible to face them without fear once you become aware of how very human they are. It’s also possible to understand their humanity in that they are a part of the collective.

If someone betrays you and it hurts your heart, you can still have self awareness and control over your reaction, because you understand that your reaction to them also influences the collective. Being in control means remembering that the hurt has happened, and that won’t change regardless of whether you’re mad and seek revenge, or you’re calm and you choose to see them as human and you step away to heal.

Know your story because it will keep you on track with your personal growth.

Knowing what you really want in your life is one of the best tools for living the life that you want. Sometimes this starts out by learning a lot about the things that you don’t want. It’s ok. It’s also very healthy to change your mind and adjust your goals and priorities once in a while. One of the biggest barriers to having what we want is being in denial when we are living what we don’t want.

It’s helpful to understand which emotions and beliefs are truly yours, and separate that from the other actors on the stage. Sure, we are influencing the collective and we’re all connected, and at the same time, we also have to be accountable for our part in it. We have to recognize our part in it.

Once I recognized the role I was playing in attracting the drama I did not want in my life, I opened it. I took steps to consciously stop old habits and thought loops. I had to forgive myself for a lot of things I allowed into my life that were not fitting with my story. I definitely had to address where I had irrational fears and where I overreacted. That may have been one of the most difficult things to look at in myself.

Getting to know ourselves is the best way we can understand that we can’t control anything outside of us. Our time is better spent focusing on what is within us. Once we commit to ourselves, we can live from a place of peace and calm even in the most chaotic times in our life. Realizing that at the present moment, we are truly free to make our own choices and one of those choices is to sit still and enjoy the good moments, while living and growing through all moments.