Last year, at my 30-year class reunion, I can say I was relieved to see that my classmates were expressing the same level of difficulty as I in relating to our Boomer parents.
I had several conversations where my classmates were wriggling their faces as they struggled to express the confusion mixed with disdain at the state of not only aging parents, but their relationship with the aging parents.
While this made me feel less alone, it left me even more confused. How could we all have been so unprepared for this?
Why do we seem to be struggling with it, and what exactly about our aging parents was the issue?
I feel like one of the things that is making a big difference with Generation X is that our parents seem so different to us now, or like they are not the same people they were when we lived under their roof and under their rules. They seem not only different, but difficult. Now, admittedly, I do remember my grandparents being stubborn, and maybe a little less patient as they aged. Yet, they also seemed to be a happier generation than their Boomer children.
We don’t necessarily need to understand why there are generational differences, and we don’t need to know the root causes of grumpy aging parents in order to reframe the way we view it, react and interact with them. Yet, I think maybe it helps us want to try to form a better relationship with them if we develop a better understanding of what is wrong in a broader sense.
Consider that aging is difficult, change is stressful and right now, the older people feel left behind because of fast paced changes in technology and culture. Our world is so very different, and that is because when we grew up we had 3 channels to choose from on TV and we had the local news paper. The Baby Boomers had fewer choices, and those with a college degree were guaranteed good jobs. Then everything changed.
Just as Boomers are starting to face agism at work, they’re faced with the computer age, making their jobs more difficult because the change in systems and technology has a bigger learning curve for people that didn’t grow up with it. Additionally, college degrees became more expensive and less necessary. Cell phones became mini computers. The birth of social media and AI added to the arsenal of new tools and toys that made our world smaller.
If elders were at one time respected in our society, especially as the keepers of wisdom and tellers of great stories to be passed down for generations – this is no longer the case. We had encyclopedias, or we just took their word for it. Now, we have all the information we could ever want (and not want) at our fingertips, instantly. There’s never been a time on the planet where the children were more technologically advanced than the elders.
I think this is a big difference from my grandparents’ generation. What they said was like family law. They were important. They were respected. The Boomers feel unimportant, irrelevant and discarded. Their generation has taken to the devices and to social media, and it has them feeling both included and rejected at the same time. They struggle to understand their grandkids, Generation Z, and how they don’t respond to texts even though they are always on their phones. They have a barrage of complaints about the Millennials too.
Let’s just say our parents have some valid reasons for being grumpy. Parents sometimes just a little too critical of their kids when they are crabby is probably normal. Then how do we really handle this so that we can keep a good bond and a decent relationship with them until they pass on to the other side?
First – the most important thing is to understand that even if your parent or parent never really returns to the chummy open-hearted parent you once knew, it isn’t because you did anything wrong.
Step 1: Drop all guilt.
Seriously, you may want to apologize for mistakes you made as their kid, and yes, go ahead and do that if you want to, but don’t hang onto guilt. Even if your aging parent has some hard criticisms to express and not only is it shocking, but insulting – hold steady to being able to separate what you’re accountable for, and what is a past mistake that you have forgiven yourself for. Be able to leave the past in the past.
Second, you also have to leave the past in the past when it comes to hard criticisms of the parent, which may also be insulting to them. Even if you have apologized to the adult in your life, do not have any expectation that they will also apologize to you. This is huge.
Step 2: Drop all grudges and the need to get an apology or closure from the parent.
If you haven’t had those difficult conversations with your aging parent already, this late in their life, and yours, is probably not the time. We’re at the middle age point in our lives, so we may have some memories and emotions coming up surrounding trying to support our parents, help our parents or even just relate to their points of view. This can bring up old wounds or sore spots from the past, and we might be feeling emotional about our new, and somewhat strained, relationship with our parent(s).
Even if we want to talk, get closure, and move on – the parent may feel that they have earned the right to be respected and cared for without having to explain or revisit past offenses. Some articles I’ve read have suggested airing the complaints no matter how old the parent is or what state of mind they might be in. If you choose to go that route, if you need to do that for your own catharsis, you’re simply doing what you think is best for you; and at the same time, remember, you may not like their reaction. Their reaction might just be rejection.
It’s possible that they will shut you out, and you’ll be left feeling even more empty because it will seem as though they are cold and unfeeling. What was once a loving parent can then seem like an unfamiliar person whom you’re expected to love and care for unconditionally. It’s no wonder we are so confused!!
This is why talking to your friends and peers in your age group and sharing experiences about coping with aging parents is so very helpful. Once you hear other stories about people who also struggled with aging parents and how they got through it, or how they are dealing with it currently, you will feel a sense of relief that you’re not the only one.
Certainly there will be some of us who sail pretty smoothly through the times when our parents inevitably face their own decline, but we all have in common that our parents are facing that sooner than later, and it’s not easy for them to go through.
Step 3: Talk to people in your age group or older who are going through this or have gone through it.
It can be hard to just strike up a conversation with a friend or colleague about your challenges with being able to relate to an older parent. Often, it might feel like a weakness if we can’t feel complete compassion and empathy for the people who raised us as they struggle with aging. Yet, this is a time and area of life where being vulnerable with others pays off.
Once I started being open about how hard it was for me to understand and relate to what was happening in my own family dynamics, I felt stronger and more equipped to move forward as a self that didn’t need to fix anything to focus on creating my life. I was able to let go of the need for approval from my parent(s) and their generation.
Letting go of the need for approval doesn’t mean abandoning post. If you have made some promises to family about your role in helping your aging parent(s) or being present for certain events, I’d advise keeping your word. Keep your integrity while keeping your dignity. You can have everything you want in your life and still visit your parent(s) as much as you normally would, and still make events like usual. You’ll just show up a happier, more confident, version of yourself.
Step 4: Let go and live your life.
Once I realized I wasn’t the only one struggling with my role as an aging daughter, still working, and somehow wanting to be everything and everywhere at once to be helper, earner and caretaker – I started to get over it. I woke up out of a haze with a clear thought, “Wait. What do I want to do with my own life?”
During this process it was also necessary for me to realize that we do not really know our parents. This might be easier to understand if you are a parent now. Your kids are never going to know you on the level that your best friends in high school and in your inner circle tribes know you. Parents and their kids simply don’t know everything about one another, and that is probably preferred by both parties.
Step 5: Realize that you can never fully know your parents and don’t overthink it.
In my conversations with other Gen Xers, there have been some big resentments followed by big emotions that can surface when our parents suddenly become critical of us, or they seem regularly displeased. Instead of realizing moodiness is a part of aging, we start to wonder what it was that we did wrong, or why we can’t seem to do anything right.
Worse yet, we can actually start to overthink whether or not the good memories with parents are now forgotten by them, to be replaced with resentments that are just now surfacing. Were those resentments there all along? There’s nothing worse than thinking our parent(s) are going to leave this world with grudges and resentments towards us. Trust me, those loving moments are in the hearts of our parents even if they aren’t openly and readily available for recall right now.
It’s worth acknowledging the good memories and holding them close to your heart, because we won’t really understand how hard it is to be elderly until we are there.
So many who have been with aging parents until their death, have recounted stories about the changes in their personality as aging became more difficult. In listening to others who experienced this before me, I learned not to take criticisms personally.
Step 6: Don’t take anything personally and make this a practice throughout all areas of life.
Learning how to avoid taking other people’s opinions, reactions and behaviors personally within our interpersonal interactions with them is a lifelong practice that can be mastered. Mastering the art of not taking anything personally, is a key to success in just about any area of life. Always be accountable, yes, but do not take what another persona says or does personally.
When it is a parent or the person closest to your heart, it is the most personal, by default. These are the people that can hurt us the most. These are the people we want to please the most and we also want their love the most. Remembering this can help us realize that they are regular people who are likely to be more grumpy and critical to the person closest to them. We can realize that we are also like this at times.
And even more so, aging is not fun and we too will be moody as we get older and have to deal with our own decline. If we feel like we are suddenly having a hard time relating to our aging parent, who we have literally known our entire life – we have to understand that these changes, and this level of discomfort is actually a normal part of the aging process.
Step 7: Understand that aging is uncomfortable and the grumpiness and personality changes are a normal part of the aging process.
One of the most difficult things for us to really accept is that our parents seem like different people to us and may seem unfamiliar to us because they are feeling very unfamiliar to themselves. They literally have become different people because when we age we slow down, our minds are not as sharp, our body starts to deteriorate and even digesting foods we have always loved can become difficult.
And on top of how uncomfortable all these extreme changes are, is the constant reminder that once we start to decline we are going to pass away sooner than later. It is both scary and emotional for most people. It’s something that we aren’t going to be able to fully understand or relate to until it happens to us. We have to be able to offer them grace and patience. Most importantly, resist the urge to argue or change their minds. Let them be stubborn.
I wished I’d have seen, heard and heeded the advice sooner – don’t argue with old people. When an older person is trying to recall a memory, even if you know they have it wrong, or if they are trying to make a case for their belief, even if it doesn’t resemble your reality – let it be, let them be at peace. While this may feel frustrating coming from a culture that sees being right as a means to power, control and success, it is actually a form of self-care.
Steeping away, time alone, and focusing on your own physical, mental and emotional health is your key to more contentment, whether you’re dealing with an aging relative or not.
Step 8: Self-care is essential.
Even when dealing with children, grandchildren, coworkers, or just about anyone we are in some kind of close connection to, or in service to – we really can’t help anyone else out if we are so dragged down that we have nothing left to give. Again, part of the key to succeeding in relationships with aging parents, or even spouses, is to feel happy and fulfilled within, as to avoid building resentments that kill relationships.
When we are truly fulfilled, we have more energy and compassion to be able to tolerate others, even when they are grumpy and critical. We really can reach a lighter state of coexisting where we can smile it off without that smile being forced or sarcastic. Think about how much differently you’d react to any annoyance in your life if the thing you wished for the most suddenly happened right now. For example, if all of your financial debt was erased and you had a surplus of $100Million in your bank account – imagine how differently taking criticisms from others would affect you.
In all relationships, what we are really going for is a way of coexisting and interacting that is fulfilling and beneficial for each person. There’s something to be said about how depressing life becomes without companionship, nurturing, feeling understood and relevant to those around us. We all want to feel important, we want to feel some sense of respect from those around us. As we age, we start to lose people to all kinds of different situations.
These natural processes and things we all go through are not easy. We can find some peace in knowing that our compassion and understanding to our aging parents now, will help us as we become elderly in the future. We will have to be patient with ourselves. We will have to remember how difficult it was for us to be in too many places at once and afford our kids, grandkids or younger loved ones some grace when they can’t be there at times and in ways that we will want them to.
The best we can do as kids is to increase our understanding of our parents if they are still alive, and this can even help after they pass on. Sometimes doubts may linger on about things left unsaid, and we should understand that unconditional love does prevail, and all is truly forgiven when we no longer hold onto any of the tension, doubts or regrets that can needlessly weigh us down. Remember, guilt and bitterness, shame and resentments, don’t benefit us or anyone else.
One of the most freeing things to realize is that you are the adult, you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life, and you have the ability to create the life you really want for yourself without approval from anyone else. No matter what kind of upbringing you had, or expectations you had of your parents or they of you – you are responsible for you now.
We have a lot of life left to live and it’s never too late to go for something now in life that we’ve always wanted. We don’t have to feel bad about putting ourselves first.
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