Most of us can think of a time in our lives where we’ve done something or said something we really regret and if we could change that, we would.

Most of us have known someone who seems like they attract drama, they’re accident prone, they end up in bad relationships, they seem like they are followed by a “grey could”, etc. And most of us have probably had “phases” in our lives where we may have been in a rut and it seemed that nothing could go right.

Realistically, that’s life!

There’s a quoted question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” The truth is that bad things happen to all people. The reason for this is that we, as humans, will make both good and bad decisions, and we will experience good and bad outcomes, plus we will experience all the good and bad of being human – because that’s a thing when you are human – there’s so much that happens that we can’t and don’t control, and we label all that stuff as either “good” or “bad”.

All of us have the part of us within that makes choices based on what we feel is going to be “best” for us. By default, this is already an erroneous premise because we would fair better if we always made choices based on what was best for everyone, for the whole. Yet, we are survivalists, so we operate from a self-serving perspective and even though this is highly instinctual – it is also the thing that sabotages us the most.

Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?

People will always seek truth and love. At the same time our primary instinct is to survive. One of these is emotional, and the other is physical. We want love more than anything. We want to be loved. We also have to survive and thrive and stay alive in order to experience love. So, our primary instinct to stay safe and alive is going to win every time.

This is why when we meet someone new and we’re excited about the connection, or something happens that seems “too good to be true”, we start looking for warning signs, red flags and can start to throw up boundaries before anything has happened to indicate danger.

A piece of black thread balled up on the carpet looks like a spider and we jump and react and the heart pounds! We have a whole drama happening, until we notice the spider hasn’t moved and we take a closer look. It’s a piece of thread. We feel justified about our panic because – “well, I thought…” – but in reality we just caused ourselves stress and performed a whole drama over an imagined threat. We barely had any control over our reaction, which was an overreaction. We easily give ourselves a pass for it. Life goes on.

Yet, if we are looking for danger everywhere, or we are super vigilant about our surroundings, we are probably going to be seeing red flags where there are red hearts. We unconsciously start to do everything to protect ourselves from harm, from rejection or from a broken heart right at the moment when the heart is opening and being vulnerable to a love connection, a new partnership, friendship or a pending promotion.

Practicing discernment is so important when we are excited about a new opportunity. Healthy boundaries are a great way to benefit all parties involved, and that requires assertive communication so that nobody is confused about sensitive agreements. Where we cross over into unhealthy sabotage is when we let emotions and irrational fears take control of our mind, and we begin to make decisions from a fear-based or protective position.

Take for example a man who has recently been divorced because his wife, now ex-wife, had an affair and regularly cheated on him throughout the marriage. This man starts to fall in love with a woman he’s since started dating. His first instinct, as he is sailing on the feelings of exhilarating new love, is to think she might cheat on him. With this fear comes being hyper-aware of all of her actions and being suspicious of innocent actions like texting a friend or relative.

In this example, the man can become moody, and perhaps makes a comment he will later regret. The new love becomes shaded with his past, his loss and feelings of being rejected and betrayed, plus his fears about the future. The woman he is falling for can see and feel all of his energetic shifts, she can read his body language plus his gloomy mood and she will react with putting up boundaries around what she probably sees as red flags in him.

Although they both want to fall in love, both may sabotage the opportunity by trying to protect themselves from being controlled, rejected and essentially harmed by the other. However, if they would be willing to put a potential relationship first, and to give the other person the opportunity to establish trust before throwing on the armor, taking up shield and rushing off to war, they might just see a long honeymoon phase into happily ever after.

We often get in our own way when pursing happiness.

Our own selfishness is what sabotages us the most.

This might seem like a very harsh perspective. Yet, think of the “people pleaser” who gives way too much and thus becomes drained. It might seem like the people pleaser is just trying to help others, and how could that possibly be self-serving, and thus self-sabotaging, and thus very draining, and unhealthy?

Peel back the layers. Anything and everything can be peeled back to the basic intention.

When helping others is done in a healthy way that is really about giving back, paying it forward and being altruistic, it has the result of aligning and flowing and being energized and inspiring. It also carries a different connotation than “people pleasing”, which is when we are pushing ourselves too far in order to avoid conflict, or to make up for something we feel guilty about, or to appear to others to be the helpful, giving type, or to keep busy so that we can avoid doing more important self-work or self-care, etc.

Helping is natural and easy, people pleasing is over-doing and has an agenda behind it. When we are inspired we are energized. When we are pushing ourselves to make someone else think we’re amazing, we have to find extra energy and our tank can empty without a chance to refuel. We have to be aware of our own energy and resources. Getting drained isn’t helping us or anyone else.

What is the intention behind our actions? We are the only ones who know our own true intention, and that’s why being in denial or unable to see our own “stuff” leads to more mistakes and missteps. We can get in our own way because we don’t notice our own methods of making life harder for ourselves than it needs to be.

We have to look at how we might accidentally sabotage ourselves if we’re living in a way that is self-absorbed or in a philosophy that aligns with “me and mine first.”

Take the “people pleaser” example – why would a helper type of person be self-absorbed? It seems like we need more helper types to build a better world. Yet, we watch people like this struggle to get to a state of happiness because they’re getting drained. Again, a “people pleaser” is not good with boundaries and will make poor decisions that enable bad behaviors of others while draining themselves, because the people pleaser is looking for approval or to feel like they are helping others. Most people pleasers have a need to be needed. It gives them purpose.

When getting approval, or thanks, is the goal – the intention of “helping” is to get something for self, not for others. We’ve all seen the person in the community who goes to church every Sunday and needs everyone to know about it. They work every charity event and they want everyone to see them and know them as that amazing pillar in the community. Yet, that same person may cheat on their spouse publicly, may spread gossip, may be verbally abusive to family members, or may be an egomaniac at work. This person wants approval but sabotages that with public displays of disappointing behaviors.

Sometimes being overly giving is more innocent, and a people pleaser can be a benevolent person who has no boundaries because of a feeling of obligation and possibly some lack of self worth plays into it. Either way – the self sabotage comes out when we make decisions based on what is self serving, instead of what is best for everyone.

Sometimes what is best for that person who is using you is for you to say, “No, I have nothing more to give” so that they go out and learn to be a person who can earn and provide for themselves. Then, they can also be the example for others who may have thought they’d never be able to survive and thrive in their own, and they can eventually be in a position to share with others.

Being drained and unable to hit a high point in life where there’s energy, inspiration and support for you doesn’t really benefit you, your loved ones, or the community as a whole. Being the change is a benefit, because you’re setting the example.

What needs to change with you at this point for you to be the change you want to see? What is holding you back from feeling free?

How Can We Stop Getting In Our Own Way?

We are always going to have an instinct to survive and to protect ourselves from harm.

They key is self-awareness and self-regulation to override selfishness and self-grasping.

We have to LET GO.

We must LET GO OF THE NEED TO CONTROL other people and outside situations.

We must TUNE INTO OUR OWN reality, energies, intentions and reactions.

Tuning into reality means seeing what is in front of you and noticing where you are and what you have to work with, versus where you would like to be. You have to determine where you are going in order to get there, and you must have a map and a plan to get to your destination.

We can sabotage our goals by having undefined plans. We also need to define what we want and we need to know what we don’t want. We have to be willing to do something different than we have in the past so that we can take a different path to get to the right place.

For example, if we want the promotion at work, we must look at all the components of our job and current project to map out a plan for how we can improve and be more efficient than we were last month. How can we pay attention to detail and compete all tasks in order to impress the boss? And how we might be more careful and know what mistakes to avoid based on what we already know about past mistakes? We have to admit past mistakes, be humble and not expect to push through in a hurried and disorganized way to finish first, when we know the boss wants it done correctly, not hastily.

We have to understand that what we want may not be best for those around us and it might not be what they want. We must control ourselves, only. If we don’t get picked for the promotion, it may be that there was a better candidate and we did not sabotage ourselves at all. In order to stay in good rapport with the boss and coworkers, we would fair best and so would others, if we handled the rejection with grace and humility, and not with resentment or negative energy. If we get angry and storm off indignantly, we will sabotage any chance we have of getting a promotion in the near future.

We have to be aware of our reality, we have to be aware of our energies as well. What we carry in our body language and our essence as we interact with others, transmits to everyone around us. When we work in a group, if one person is really grumpy and in a bad mood, we can say they had “bad energy” that day and some of the people on the team were affected by it. When we are around someone who is happy and has positive energy, we feel uplifted and inspired somehow just by talking to them or witnessing something they did or said.

We can sabotage a good connection or a potential opportunity by being in a bad mood and unconsciously projecting a negative vibe. This is why being aware of our energy and how we carry ourselves through life is important, so that we can have smooth interactions instead of accidentally causing misunderstandings or bad first impressions by “rubbing someone the wrong way.”

We will also avoid unconscious harm by really paying attention to our own intentions own any given situation. When you could be learning something important that could benefit you, ask yourself: “Am I paying attention, or am I trying to get attention?”

If you want that promotion, or that second date, and the boss or your crush is telling you exactly what is wanted in order to make a good impression, if you are faking interest and thinking about a witty response, you’ll risk missing their point and saying something that is fake and out of place. People will notice the awkwardness that goes along with it. Genuine interest and a real response is something that is heart felt. The more real we can be with ourselves and others, the better our interpersonal connections will be.

We often sabotage good connections when we don’t have full awareness of our intentions and our reactions. Some people appear rude when they’re not trying to be. Some people are gregarious characters who love to joke around whether there is an audience or not. Some people are dead serious all the time and are not jovial even when having a pleasant experience. And many of us don’t change our personality based on who we are around.

I support being real and being who you are without apology. At the same time, I have had to learn that even my culture, meaning where I grew up, influenced how I spoke and behaved throughout my life. And how people reacted to that varied based on whether or not I was living near the East Coast or near the West Coast. I’m a straightforward, assertive, honest and sometimes socially awkward person no matter where I am at. There are as many different reactions to my personality type as there are other people and other personality types.

People are going to react to us in ways that depend on their perspective, culture, and various other filters and factors. We can’t control them. Controlling our own reactions is important if we don’t want to accidentally sabotage ourselves.

When you want to make a good first impression on somebody and they say or do something that you think is inappropriate and rude – your reaction to what they are serving is extremely important. Because in case that you still want to impress them, or in the case that you no longer wish to impress them, you still want to come out feeling in control, confident and capable of handling yourself in a way that you will respect when you look back on the experience. This helps you build self worth, even when the experience itself may have been disappointing.

We are always going to have disappointments mixed in with our achievements and amazing moments in life. Our reactions can make or break us. Athletes that lose gracefully are more respected than those who are throwing equipment. Fighting with our spouse in public is a way to destroy our relationships with neighbors and send a negative vibe into the community. If we are emanating negativity, we are going to see it and experience it in return. We can sabotage ourselves by staying in a funk.

We have to be in control and self-aware in order to avoid unintentionally or unconsciously sabotaging ourselves. Then, we need to think about how to make connections with others that can help support the kind of outcomes we will enjoy in our surroundings. Feeling a true connection with everything around us and feeling supported by everything around us is the way to achieve a high quality of life.

How to Put the Other First.

Why is it so hard to love our neighbor as ourself in this world?

Most of us feel really good when we are gifting someone else and when we receive a gift from someone else. Yet, we largely move about in society in a way that reflects our annoyance with one another. Our propensity toward “road rage” is a good example of this.

Every journey starts within.

We have to speak to ourselves in a way that is kind and respectful to be kind and respectful toward others. That’s the beginning point.

We have to behave in a way that we can respect and that allows others to respect us. If we are not honest, we are disrespecting our own person because no one truly respects someone they know is dishonest. If we are mean and critical, we can expect that people will feel disdain and resentment toward us. What if you were on the receiving end of your own words and moods?

Respecting oneself, liking oneself and being kind to oneself will help us build confidence and will help us to be more secure when we are interacting with others. It will automatically help us be kinder and more considerate to others. Once we feel the positive results of being kind to others, we will get used to this energy exchange. It feels good and benefits all involved.

In order to be consistent about having positive interactions with others that benefit everyone, and to have less interactions that produce misunderstandings, we have to be constantly self-aware about our energies, intentions and reactions. We have to think about what we want out of a situation and what benefits the greater collective. We decide what has integrity and what can be let go without a drama about it.

When we put thought into what is really best for ourselves and the other, we can usually find some common ground. Sometimes we have to allow another person to make their own mistakes, and we will see someone we love going through the routine of constant self sabotage. That’s ok too. Even though we don’t want to see a loved one cry, crying might be exactly what they need. We have to let each other live and learn.

One of the best ways to have a life where we can communicate in ways that make our relationships better and our community stronger is to really love our neighbor as ourselves. If we can extend the intention to help and to help create better relationships, connections, interactions and communities, we can then approach things in a more open way, rather than trying to self protect.

We are used to a world of competition. We will all fair better in a world of cooperation. We have been used to having to protect ourselves. Now we must learn also to protect ourselves from ourselves.

Awareness is key if we want to overcome the tendency to unconsciously and unintentionally sabotage ourselves, others, a relationship or a good opportunity. Every single one of us has what it takes to be in control of our own energies, intentions, and reactions.

If we are self aware, in control and our intentions are for the betterment of the whole, we can and will get out of our own way and live freely and happily without fear.