We know that unconditional love is the best and highest emotional virtue we can express through the human heart center. At the same time, we are also analytical by nature, which leads us to judge even that which we love.

It’s in our human design that we sense the world around us, interpreting what we see, hear, feel, taste, smell, touch, intuit and witness energetically. We analyze all of that data and organize it into a scene in our reality that we can size up, or analyze, and then react to, or just witness without reaction.

There’s no way to experience life without putting it all together in the mind to view our own story, our unique journey through time and space from birth to death. When we want to realize how to coexist, cooperate and co-create as human beings, we are encouraged to open our heart centers to let in love and light.

We’re taught, in many cases, that we can’t love while simultaneously judging. If we are judging we are not loving.

With all of these terms flying around, and with being on the path of personal growth and self awareness, how would it even be possible to never judge another person or living being ever, and to love everyone all the time without any judgement?

This is why it is confusing to find the balance between wisdom through discernment and healthy boundaries without judgement.

The Healthy Version of Judgement is Discernment

The unhealthy version of judgement is degrading the humanity of another, and deeming another worthless or less important.

If I witness a child being abused I can react to stop the abuse. I can be angry enough in the moment at the abuser to intervene with strength and courage, make sure the child is safe, call the authorities, and go home at night feeling like I did something good for the world. Maybe I do have some anger left about the adult who was abusive, but I am able to move on from that and not get stuck on judging the person.

Unhealthy judgement would look like me obsessing over the attacker, needing to insult them in my thoughts and wishing them harm. Then continuing to give power to the individual by doing this harsh judgement routine in my mind for weeks that become months. Soon everything becomes colored through the lens of anger at the injustice of abuse. The judgment does block me at that point from being able to love and let my heart open to the light in myself and in others.

It’s an extreme example, but even in the simplest of forms, if we’re upset with someone we love, we are aware that we have an opinion about this person. Thinking a person is difficult, or ignorant, or perhaps mean and malicious doesn’t necessarily amount to unhealthy judgement until we start wanting to harm the person, or wishing them harm, or thinking they are worthless, or perhaps telling others you think the person is worthless and that you wish them harm.

Discernment is different than harsh judgement.

Discernment is a form of healthy judgement and is embodied by the term “sizing it up”. When we conduct a job interview we are both sizing the other person up and being sized up. We take notice of certain aspects about the person from appearance to clarity of speech and we analyze whether or not they would be a good fit for a position. When we meet a romantic interest and go out on a first date, that’s a time when we’re really sizing up and being sized up in a very personal way.

Discernment can feel like judgement, and that’s because it is a form of judgement. It’s also necessary to practice discernment in order to make informed choices that affect outcomes in your own life story.

If we discern, or come to the conclusion that, a person of interest is actually potentially dangerous, we will need to react and put up a boundary. That act of healthy boundary setting and stepping out of harm’s way will likely feel like rejection to the other. They may react in anger. We cannot afford to feel guilty or like we are mean or incapable of love when we practice discernment and setting boundaries.

We must respect ourselves and love ourselves enough to understand that healthy judgement can coexist with an open heart full of love.

What Are the Differences?

When is it that we cross over from the open heart full of love that has found the balance in setting healthy boundaries and being able to offer love and light to the world – into – the self righteous, judge-y pants, hypocrite who is so jaded from getting burned that we’ve closed our hearts to so many others?

Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference.

One way to make this easier is to hone in on self. How do you feel inside yourself about the way you practice harsh judgement, healthy discernment and tough love in your life?

This is found through getting in touch with the emotions. What emotions come up in a given example in your life when you think about a situation where you’ve been judging or when you’ve practiced discernment and boundary setting? What emotions come up about the person and situation? Anger? Sadness? Relief? Peace? Joy? Grief? Frustration? Love?

What if it seems like you feel every emotion possible?

If there is anger, frustration, or that much weight of being overwhelmed by the emotions coming up about any given situation, that’s a sign that there is excess. It’s time to step back. Here, we can really look at the situation from above it or outside it – what exactly are we giving so much power to?

When we’re attached to something with a lot of emotion, it represents a lack of balance and this is a sign of harsh judgments occurring with self and others.

It took me decades, until I became middle aged, to realize how much I judged myself. I knew I’d been judging others, and wanting others to have “higher standards” but I did have to come to realize that I’d been harshly criticizing myself all along. It was something that made some of my relationships with friends and family and lovers very stressful at times.

Discernment feels so much different than harsh judgement. The emotions attached to discernment are those of relief and peace, calm and openness, love and maybe a little heart soreness. It’s just a lot softer.

So if you think about a situation where you have placed a boundary up and maybe it’s a tough love situation with a sibling or adult child, and you feel a sense of peace, relief, calm and clear then you can be sure you’re not being the harsh judge or the perfectionist. You’ve practiced discernment and you can go about your days feeling an open heart and enjoying peace of mind.

Tough love is one of the most difficult forms of healthy judgement because it means there is going to be deep soul level emotions at work. When we love someone and we must stop enabling bad and destructive behaviors, we can feel like we are being harsh. There is the feeling of grief and loss. Tough love is essential though, for a person to stay in the light of their own soul, they cannot allow someone they love to drain their light and energy. In the end we wish them well, not harm.

Will We Ever Be Rid of the Harsh Judge?

The harsh judge is a member of our collective consciousness. It’s very likely that each of us would have a difficult time remaining in a state of unconditional love constantly and throughout an entire lifetime even if we reminded ourselves daily to strive for that.

How would we ever expect a state of permanent happiness to settle in, when we don’t ever see an example of that in our families and social circles? If it were possible, more of us would certainly be living this way. Yet, we are quite familiar with the harsh judge, as it shows up even where there should be unconditional love at times.

The harsh judge will likely remain as one of many archetypes the human consciousness and human collective. The harsh judge doesn’t have to be as active as it is in our collective. These human characteristics cannot be erased entirely, just as we can’t get rid of anger, frustration, joy, grief or sadness out of the emotional pool full of feelings.

Yet, we can deactivate the harsh judge and activate the benevolent boundary setter and the nurturing wise elder. It’s true, it is much easier to love, and to live with ease, without the burden of heavy judgement that expectations bring. The only way to activate the light in the collective is to activate the light in self. Hence, be the change.

Individually, if we desire a world without such harsh judgement and competition, and with more compassion and cooperation, we must make the choice to live by example. When we change how we are, from within, we then will see our outer world change. What once had power, now has disappeared into free and clear space within which we can concrete and coexist.