Empathy is commonly seen as a virtuous trait, like compassion and patience. Yet there’s a shadow side to empathy and it has several ways of showing up for the empath, and those around them.

We are living in a time of fast change, accelerated transformation and amplified energy. Empaths are super sensitive, and sometimes hypersensitive people who are being called to empowerment. It is time to help the world through the shift. At the same time, we need to acknowledge our shadow side, and go through a quick, deep healing to be able to step up to help.

Some of the down sides to being an empath are obvious. Like playing martyr role, getting drained due to not being able to say no, lack of boundaries and spreading oneself too thin to the point of ill health. But there are other aspects of an empath that are often overlooked by the empath and those around them – because people usually cut the empathetic, people pleasing, bleeding hearts in their life a lot of slack.

Empaths Can Enable Bad Behaviors

Empaths and narcissists are often attracted to one another, and often end up falling in love. The empath generally comes out on the losing end, because they are happy to help, and want to help the narcissist heal, while the narcissist isn’t interested in their own healing. The narcissist wants attention, and lots of it. The drama is draining, and there’s a pattern that emerges and keeps the relationship going even at its unhealthiest moments.

The pattern is the love bombing or complimenting phase that hooks the codependence and feels like support, next comes the antagonistic phase where subtle and often passive aggressive tactics are used by the narcissist to trigger the empath, once the empath reacts at all and especially when they try to put up a boundary, the narcissist then goes into the gaslighting phase of denying every mind game and blaming the empath. Once the fight gets big or a temporary breakup happens, the cycle will start again with the make up and love bombing phase, this is called trauma bonding.

The narcissist won’t admit they’ve done anything wrong, but the empath will justify continuing on with the unhealthy, and ultimately abusive relationship. This is where the dark side of the empath can be clearly seen. Because an empath can have trouble discerning their feelings from those they are close to, they start to become who they are around most. When they are involved with a narcissist they may become the victim along with their partner. They may see their partner as a victim and not as an abuser, which then enables abuse and normalizes the behaviors.

There is nothing normal about the mind games a narcissist plays. Narcissists do this because they don’t have empathy. They do not care who they harm, and they harm because they don’t feel safe or comfortable in their own skin. They won’t be vulnerable, so in order to cover up any points of vulnerability, the narcissist is often a bully. Some narcissist are covert, meaning they put on a great show in public, and a “poor me” martyr act when they are called out – this makes it particularly hard to identify the subtle mind games they play. When an empath is out of alignment, they will make excuses for and defend the narcissist in their life, especially if it is a partner or child.

The Dark Side of the Empath

Empaths are at their worst when they are functioning from their dark side or shadow side. Some of the more negative traits when an empath is not in alignment are the tendency to rescue people who don’t want rescuing, and searching around in darker circles to find wounded birds to help. When we’re not feeling well, we feel like we need to be doing something or helping someone, it’s codependency, but at our lowest, we can see it as saving others.

If we’re run down or haven’t healed, empaths can be self-righteous in a way that makes others feel judged. This is one of the hardest things to see in ourselves because we think that being an empath means we have deep feelings about humanity and really want what is best for everyone. We are naturally givers and helpers, what could be wrong with that?

It becomes wrong when giving and helping is forced unto others with an expectation that the others are going to be grateful and will pay it forward. Perhaps the help wasn’t wanted or needed, or perhaps it was both wanted and needed but didn’t result in any appreciation, and the taker went on to take more and more from everyone around them. If an empath is at their best – this doesn’t bother them, they simply keep on keeping on with being a giver and a helper.

When we’re not at our best we tend to become bitter about all that we’ve given. We start to pick out the times when we felt we gave more than we received when we really needed the help. We can become entitled to others, expecting them to also come to our rescue whenever we need it. We can expect others to understand why we’re upset because we have a connection through our empathy to understand the emotions of others so prominently. We can have judgements about people because of this. For example, an empath wouldn’t be able to steal and lie without it eating away at them, so they don’t understand others who do this so easily. They can have a hard time accepting the faults in others and that can bring an empath into a state of depression.

What Empaths Can Do to Heal

Empaths owe it to themselves and those around them to go through the same healing processes they want others to engage in. There’s no end point to our healing as humans, at least not in this lifetime. There isn’t anyone among us who doesn’t benefit immensely from engaging in their total wellness of body, mind, emotions, and spirit. Life is short, and we’re not getting out alive. We have to spend the time we have wisely to get the most out of this experience. Soul growth comes through addressing our own issues, as well as being generous and helping, others.

In order to address our own states of health and wellness, we have to look at ourselves with clear eyes and an open heart, exactly as we would look at someone who is suffering and needs our help. Our best intentions must turn to us for a while, for the purpose of self care. We must commit to and engage in self care and that means admitting we really need it – just like every human really needs it. This can mean cutting down on trying to fix or save others, doing less for others for a while, and engaging in parts of our life we’ve been ignoring that are actually essential for our wellbeing.

We often say, “I just don’t have time to take walks or do a yoga class…”. Not having time is not a real issue for any of us on planet Earth. We have every moment from birth until death to be doing something that is good for ourselves. When we undertake our own actions that benefit ourselves in total health and wellness, we are then going to be inspiring others by our very example. That his really the best and only way to truly help humanity. People will be drawn to us for help if they see we’re functioning at a higher level of existence. Higher level does not mean “better than” and that’s where so many people get confused.

Humility is key in all aspects of healing and in becoming truly empowered. Stepping into our true power happens through a process, and the beginnings of it are very humble. There isn’t an end to the process of gaining wisdom and excelling at mastering the art of being human. We know this because we see very few enlightened people on this planet, and we witness so much ignorance, selfishness and greed throughout the state of humanity.

A person who has become enlightened would never tell you that, they’d never claim to be. At this point in time, people are transparent, so seeing someone for the limited human being that they are is easy. To try to think we’re better than another is a sign we’re far from enlightenment. Being accountable for what we add to the collective through our thoughts, words and deeds is imperative if we want our world to change for the better.

The Narcissist Who Thinks They’re an Empath

This is one of the most dangerous types of people. This is the kind of person who gets in a position of influence or becomes a teacher or healer to fulfill ego desires and facilitate control over others. Some of these types of Narcissistic Empaths can harm others unknowingly, and some can do it knowingly with many justifications.

Most empaths can cross over into narcissism quite easily, and that’s probably something most of us don’t really know. Again, the empath soaks up the feelings of others like a sponge. We are familiar with every human emotion, therefor, we are vulnerable to becoming what we’re around. We can start defending the indefensible simply by justifying forgiveness through cutting slack to the worst behaviors. We can dwell between healthy empathy and unhealthy empathy, and for that reason sometimes we cut ourselves slack in areas where we’re not recognizing our own selfish needs that we may have imposed on others.

Yet, most empaths are not full blown narcissists presenting as empaths. So it can be really hard to tell if you’re around someone who you know is pretty sensitive, but you also feel wary around their energy because of subtle mind games and hints of the narcissistic pattern mentioned above. If you’re an empath, you may have fallen into this “trick” before, where you thought someone was kind, helpful and giving and then realized they were out to help themselves and saw you as the sucker who gives too much. I’m an empath and I’ve been through all of these shadow side things.

There are some key traits that a narcissist has that are identifiable. Use your intuition, because if you are empathic, you have a keen intuition. Narcissists don’t have empathy, so the first time you see the behavior where you question it like “how could they do that?” or “Did they just casually insult me or scold me?” – you’re onto them. They won’t cry just because you’re crying, they’ll seem emotionally dry through watching or listening to the pain of others. They can put on a big drama and a cry fest if it’s going to get them attention and empathy. They seem like they’re trying to prove that they’re an empath, while their actions and often words speak to their sense of entitlement and habit of manipulating the emotions of others through acting as a victim.

The reason this kind of person is dangerous, is because they don’t see how harmful they are, they see themselves as healers and often end up in positions of counselor, teacher or preacher. Narcissist can’t see their own faults, so one who believes they’re doing good, while they’re using others for attention and adoration, is not going to be able to address their own issues. However, that doesn’t mean that they’re not affective as leaders. If they get in a position of power they can manipulate others very easily under the guise of caring about them and intending to help them, and because they don’t have feelings of guilt or remorse, they use everyone around them like a doormat.

This is also the kind of person who is not ever vulnerable. They may be a counselor but have not really engaged in going to counseling. They may be in wellness or healthcare and function well enough on an intelligent level that they succeed in career and business, despite never admitting mistakes or faults. They know everything. They don’t apologize for off putting comments. They often recoil from owning a mistake when it is obvious to others around them, the reaction is almost one of pain. It’s almost as if acknowledging a mistake and apologizing would have them totally implode and unravel while the sky is falling. They’re not humble. They’ll point out gifts they gave, or times they’ve helped others. And they rarely come through on what they say they’re going to do.

Identifying them is easier if we see things for what they are and not for what we want them to be. It can be most difficult when we find a person we connect with and come to like, only to then realize they are toxic or just too immature to contribute anything but drama to our environment. We don’t have to be angry about it, but we should not engage and try to help the person see the light. Healthy boundaries are a part of total wellness. It also sets an example for others and can help end cycles of abuse.

Overall the Empath is Powerful and Respected

This perspective is about the shadow sides of the empath, but there’s more good news than bad when it comes to being an empath and it’s well worth mentioning to close out this article. Empathy is a key ingredient in the healing serum we’re feeding humanity through the energy changes, universal energies influencing planet Earth and in becoming the new human – a lighter, freer, healthier species than we’ve ever been. This evolutionary jump is made possible through empathy – because we are meant to realize that we’re all connected.

Empaths who do undertake their own healing and become aligned with the new energies that can help heal one and all, will lead the way in this transition. It doesn’t mean all humans will come along for the ride. As soon as the empath steps into their empowerment, and learns healthy boundaries, those around them will stay and leave accordingly to who is aligned with the higher vibrational energy. Empaths play an important role in speaking up to represent the love and light side of humanity – the meek. There are powerful volunteers out there, strong, powerful men and women who have been helping their communities for decades who can very easily provide nurturing to a planet that desperately needs it.

Empaths can lead by example, allowing others to see that we all need one another. Community is essential now for overcoming challenges of climate change and of harnessing local resources as supply chains continue to be interrupted around the world. This is how things that happen on the other side of the globe, or in another country, like war, affect the whole of humanity. We are especially being reminded of that right now.

Empaths are needed and now is the time to heal and find natural states of wellness to live from. Empaths play an important role in finding new ways that benefit the whole of humanity. Be the change, heal from within.