If you’re familiar with, or looking into, Yoga Teacher Training programs, you may be familiar with testimonials about the challenges of getting through a rigorous program that stretches your mental, physical and emotional tolerance.

Yoga Training programs aren’t supposed to be easy, and they’re often expensive. So these programs aren’t easy to access for all, and they require a time commitment, which doesn’t always work for the schedule of the average working American, especially those with families.

The teacher training program I took was in Colorado Springs, and it was a chunk of change, but not overpriced. There were seven women taking an 11-week-long program. There was a main instructor, I’ll call her Lead, and two assistant instructors, all female. A total of ten women, only one had children and she did not work, our ages ranged from 20 to 52.

I was between jobs, waiting for a location to open near me to begin my job, so I had time to cram this program in before starting work again. I was new to Colorado Springs and had done yoga at this studio. The yoga instructor who was helping the owner manage the studio, Lead, was recruiting students. She had come out of a career in marketing, so she had a skill set with her pitch and with drawing in students. This was the first teacher training program this studio had attempted.

Lead was able to draw in seven of us. The studio itself had a feel of athleticism and yoga in Colorado Springs was like that, much less spiritual than that of Tucson, Arizona, where I had lived and practiced for 18 years before moving to Colorado. When I did agree to take the program, I could see Lead coming for me from a preverbal mile away. This wasn’t new. I’m a strong, independent woman with a good career. I’d also been in performing bands for ten years, so I was used to a vibration from some females of competition and jealousy.

My 11-week-long experience could have been a total nightmare, and in some ways it was. Yet, I knew that Yoga Teacher Training programs were like boot camp – I was going to become mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically stronger. I could have predicted some of how this would go, but some of it was hidden in the cards of that chapter of my life, and the experience was meant to happen the way that it did.

My experience during the 11 weeks we were together was very different from the that of the other women in our group. When the program started, I had a major health event that could have killed me. I had what felt like a near death experience during the night and still continued the program. I would go into a yoga class and lay on the mat streaming tears in dizziness, just to have attendance. I got through the course work, knowing that if I passed out in class at least there were people there to help, because I lived alone. I wasn’t ready to give up or bow out.

Even though Lead was already somewhat focused on me as the program began, she was good about allowing me to heal without trying to sabotage that part of my being. I had a medical ozone treatment which helped me get into a safe zone but my blood pressure was still out of control and doctors were trying a combination of medicines to get to an answer. It took a few weeks for me to feel somewhat normal, and as soon as I was rebounding, Lead felt comfortable throwing little darts out at me, and being obvious about some of it.

Here’s an example: We had a student who was almost always late for class. We would typically talk before class and wait for her to arrive before beginning our “Ohm” chant together. On one of the class days, there was construction happening in front of the building and due to having to circle around I was about two minutes late for class. As I was heading to the door, I could see Lead through the glass windows hurrying to start the “Ohm” chant, so it had just begun as I was walking through the door. Contrived subtleties like this were happening every time the class got together which was four times a week.

Another key moment for all of us in the program was when Lead decided to involve our group in drama between herself and the owner of the studio. “[Owner] jumped my ass!” she told us in our circle where we would normally be talking and sharing at the opening of class. Lead wanted us to know that Owner yelled at her because of her failure to have the temperature of the studio at the correct level for his class. She proceeded to reveal information about things he’d done in the past that she felt were wrong. Remember, we’d each just invested a chunk of change in both his studio and her training course. It was hard to feel good about either one of them being supported by my money.

While the other students in the group, six other women, weren’t really reacting to all of the bullshit that they were seeing out in the open, it was noticeable that the two assistant instructors were stressed and not happy. I noticed several guest instructors who came in to teach segments seemed noticeably upset or anxious. I was 43 years old at the time of this training, I wasn’t the type of person to go into denial when I saw the ugly in something I was invested in. The rest of the group were dealing with their own agendas and struggles to get through the program, which was somewhat rigorous. At least one was aiming at working at the studio as an instructor.

Lead, in and of herself, was a very good Yoga Instructor and taught the basics to us well. Had she not had an enormous ego to accompany hidden insecurities, she would have fared better with the end result of her first try at a teacher training program.

The highlight of my 11-weeks was an instructor from Denver coming in and packing the house with a Kundalini Yoga Class. Our yoga class had front row mats and this instructor from Denver re-attuned the room. I came out of it wanting to go dancing. My energy and vibration was visibly high after the class and I felt I had healed from my health event and had received an energetic download. This alone was worth the time and money I’d invested in the teacher training program. It was an invaluable experience, and maybe the most impacting spiritual experience I had in Colorado Springs. I was only there for 14 months.

On the day I tested out, Lead tried to sabotage me while I began the mock “class” I was teaching to another student, in front of the instructor that was grading me. She decided she needed to shout my name across the room, shushing me prior to my test-out beginning, and then as I started, she needed to interrupt by making an announcement that we shouldn’t be talking loud between segments as others might still be teaching. I resumed my mock class and tested out fine. Unsettled, but not reacting. What Lead did was obvious to the entire group. We were all in one big room, in small groups in each corner of the room.

The entire time I was being played with, my dedication to my Self was, “No reaction. At all. None. Don’t give this, or her, a bit of energy.” And I really didn’t. I stayed stoic.

After I tested out, Lead tried to deny me my certificate, saying I was a few classes short of the 50 one-hour yoga classes we were to complete during or after the 11-week program to get our completion certificate. The computer system at the studio keeps track, so was able to count my 51 completed classes and emailed the owner of the studio.

Lead conveniently took off on a vacation to California with the certificates, and so, I wouldn’t get mine until she returned. Owner tried to reassure me, and I responded by saying, “She’s been your manager here for 3 years. I am sure you have seen this kind of behavior from her along the way…” I knew this was not a one-off. He actually agreed, he admitted to having some difficulties with her personality in the past.

At the same time, when we had to complete our “anonymous” survey about the teacher training program, I answered ‘not sure’ on everything. If there was an option for “neutral” that is what I marked. If we had to write something in, I wrote “not sure.” Owner wanted to speak with me about the answers. How did he know those were my answers if the survey was anonymous? I met him for lunch. We actually didn’t get into details about the antics of Lead during the lunch interview. We mostly got to know one another, and he gave me advice like a mentor, said some wise things and some things were just smoke and mirrors cover up for his own misgivings. People are transparent.

Once Lead got back into town I’d already started my new job. It was close to the studio so Owner stopped by to give me my certificate and told me that Lead had been fired. FIRED. I was shocked. A tear rolled down my cheek. He told me it wasn’t because of the situation with me, but rather that she had two prior ethics complaints from the past and someone involved in the teacher training program who is well known and respected in the yoga community told Owner about Lead making statements and pulling unethical behavior again during the 11-week program I’d just been through. I was a witness, or my experience added to the statements of others.

So then Lead decided to send me a text message thanking me for getting her fired and calling me evil while ending it with saying Merry Christmas. I elected no reaction. No response. I didn’t share the text with the six other students, but sent it to Owner and assistant teachers. Lead wiped out the client base from Owner’s computer system at the yoga studio, and took the list for her own marketing purposes. Owner filed a complaint on Lead with Yoga Alliance.

The seven of us students went to dinner together a few weeks later. No one mentioned Lead at all. No one talked at all about anything pertaining to the program we all just went through. I was processing with the oldest student of the group during a few hikes with her, but she was only vetting me for information to take back to Lead. Everyone had an agenda. There wasn’t any real connection between the seven of us, it was stale energy, and I haven’t ever kept in touch with anyone from that group.

Some of them got wrangled into going on a trip to Costa Rica with Lead as a yoga journey type of deal. She probably made bank off of those students, too. The younger ones still clung to her, and I silently wished them to be safe and eventually move away from this woman as they went though their own personal journeys. She was a dangerous personality for vulnerable students.

For me, no response, no reaction, and giving no energy to a saboteur was a personal win. I wasn’t playing against Lead. I was playing against myself, and developing myself into a new human. Going into the program, I had some experience of the kind of discipline it takes to stay away from an emotional reaction when someone is actively focused on you and trying to throw you off your game. There’s an energy about them and about what they do, there’s a pattern and a list of subtle tactics I was already familiar with.

For me, I have continued to put myself through trainings, teachings, therapy or self reflection my whole adult life. My Yoga Teacher Training was a very challenging boot camp for my test of self discipline on many levels – but especially with tolerating constant jabs from Lead while vulnerable, and testing the resilience of recovering from the biggest health event of my life. I was “ALL IN” for the experience and I wouldn’t change it.

It was an experience that likely strengthened my character more than any other in my personal growth & wellness journey. I suspect that many who have gone through a teacher training program for yoga or martial arts would say that it was a hugely impactful event in their lives. There are so many intense stories, both good, and some dark and hard to hear.

Like anything else in life, making it through a rigorous program will always make a person stronger, and every person is capable of getting something profound out of it – but it’s also possible to ignore the lessons, or go through the motions so that the experience has less of an impact on your life moving forward. Many of us who go through programs don’t teach yoga because it is very difficult to make a career out of it. So many of us have careers and usually our busy lifestyles hardly give us time to get on our own mats three or more times a week.

Even if I’d never been able to teach yoga, I will always be thankful that I had the opportunity to go through a training program, and that I stayed with it. The experience changed my life in a positive way.